The time was 4:30 P.M. and school was over. The day grew hot and fun thoughts raced, and anyone who knew me when I was eight years old knew that I was a fun guy with stupid thoughts. The stupid thought of the day was to have me and my brother play army with a Red Rider BB Gun. I thought this was a great idea, and that it was nearly as great as the time my brother and I decided to ride a bike inside a swimming pool. The idea I had that day was as dumb as making a peanut and jelly sandwich with a hot dog bun, but I thought it was genius at the time.
The time was 4:35 P.M. and we were loading the BBs into our weapons and I couldn't help but think how fun this was going to be. This was going to be like real war I thought while loading; not knowing that real war meant death. My gun was the same as my brother's except for the fact that it had a bent barrel because I ran into a tree with it preventing it from shooting straight. The time was 4:40 P.M. and my brother and I decided to due a test of our weapon's capability to shoot. So I pulled my trigger thinking the safety was on, but it wasn't and the black barrel of the Red Rider gun shot a single golden BB from inside. When this incident happened we both were in the living room, and the BB launched forward only to shatter the TV screen.
When I realized what happened I bursted into tears because I knew my Dad was going to be an unstoppable rage when he saw the TV screen that evening. My brother was also in tears, but not because of the fear of my Dad, but because of the joy of him knowing I would be in trouble. The rest of the day was filled with suspense as I waited for my Dad to get home, and when he did the day was filled with standing sense I couldn't sit, but I will leave it at that. Don't shoot TVs!
This was a really good story, I liked how you told what time it was and told the story using the thoughts of the main character. The only thing I would suggest is to be more descriptive and make sure to check for run-on sentences.
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